Supporting children through pregnancy after loss

My daughter is a naturally private person. It’s sometimes hard to know what is rolling around in that mind of hers. And sometimes, it is clear.

This is my second pregnancy after Tommy died that she knows about. Even after the last pregnancy resulted in life, she carries the scars of loss. She has been talking more about Tommy, processing the loss of her brother through yet another lens.

Recently, we were driving to swimming lessons and talking about the new baby, wondering about her personhood and future place in our family. She nonchalantly said, “I hope this baby doesn’t die.”

Me too, kid. Me too.

We often talk about the trauma of pregnancy after loss for parents. We speak of our anxiety and the resurgence of grief, and there are resources designed to support us. But who is talking about supporting our children?

It’s true that children are incredibly resilient. It’s also true that they can integrate complex concepts into a relatively simple understanding of the world. But don’t let their innocence fool you…

There is a misperception that children don’t grieve. This is not true. They just might show it differently. So, it is totally possible, if not completely likely, that they, too, will feel anxious about the possibility of a new sibling. Their reference point is one of loss and despair, for them and the whole system holding them.

Let’s think about this for a moment… that must be a terrifying concept for a small person.

Our children rely on us for more than food and physical shelter. They need us to provide the emotional roof over their heads too. They need us to protect them from the emotional weather of the world, and provide the stability they need to feel safe and explore.

Of course, this roof will have leaks at times. And it is okay for our children to experience some of the world’s disappointments. But baby loss is like a powerful tornado. It rips off our emotional roof, leaving all of us exposed, including our children.

Imagine needing them to consider the possibility of another tornado whipping through their lives. It’s no wonder they also feel nervous about what this new pregnancy means for them and their family.

So, what are we doing to support them?

I suppose it depends on their age, what they know about our loss, and who they are as people. At a minimum, it would probably be helpful to offer them the opportunity to express their worries. Depending on their age, this could be done with an open conversation. For younger children, we might need to use a more creative way to access their experience, like through the use of play, books or art.

The most important thing is offering them a safe landing space to express themselves, and leaving the door open should they need to come knocking again.

With my own daughter, we follow her lead. If she wants to talk, we listen. If she wants to lean into hope and excitement, we follow her there too.

When she asks how the baby is, I don’t make promises I can’t keep. I assure her only of what we know right now: that the baby is getting bigger and stronger every day, and we hope to bring this baby home.

If she expresses her worry, we acknowledge our worry too, and that we will get through this time together. We remind her that she doesn’t need to worry alone.

We support her to grow her new sibling in her mind, imagine her siblinghood, and lean in and out as many times as she needs.

I suppose the main thing is acknowledging that she is on her own journey, and it is my job to make sure she has my hand to hold while we walk it together.

Tommy's Mum x