Problems with fertility? Just relax!

After Tommy died, my desperation to be pregnant again bordered on obsessive. Of course, this wasn’t to replace Tommy. But I yearned to feel a warm baby in my arms. It felt like a deep, primal urge, far below the reach of rational thought. Looking back, this was my grief behind the wheel, and perhaps my body did need more time to heal. But at the time, each passing month felt like another little life to grieve; another step further from the person I once was, the life we should have been living, and the family we hoped to be.

I knew something wasn’t working for us in the way it had before. So I went to my General Practitioner. She had cared for me during my pregnancy with Tommy and cried with me after he died. She had shared her own family history of stillbirth and fertility challenges, so I felt assured I was in empathic hands. But when I asked about fertility tests and referrals, she surprised me.

Perhaps she thought we hadn’t been trying for long enough. But we had been trying for a living baby for years. Instead, she suggested that I try exercise and relaxation - as though I hadn’t already turned over every stone in my lifestyle. It felt like she was saying our sudden fertility challenges were my fault, because I was too stressed, too sad and too broken.

Of course, this isn’t what she meant. But intentionality doesn’t take the sting away.

Variations of this message are familiar to those experiencing fertility challenges. If only relaxation, sweating and sheer determination could solve complex biological problems!

So, what does the science actually say about the link between stress and infertility?

Well, it’s complicated.

Older research suggested that stress may be a significant factor contributing to infertility. I guess that is where the myth of “just relaxing” comes from.

Sure, it’s true that chronic stress and inflammation can wreak havoc on our bodies. So perhaps stress can play some role. But it’s also true that infertility is incredibly stressful. These relationships are not universal either; some people fall pregnant in severely stressful environments, while others struggle in the absence of such stressors.

We also now know that complex biological problems are rarely caused by one thing. For many couples, their fertility challenges remain in the realm of the “unexplained”. But sometimes we are able to identify specific reasons, which rarely, if ever, specifically involve someone’s mental health, stress or coping. And this is without even considering the fact that only around a third of fertility struggles are attributable to female factors.

So, the direction of this link isn’t as clear as once thought. Does stress cause infertility, or does infertility cause stress? Or perhaps it’s a complex mix of the two. Contemporary research suggests it may be the latter.

This means telling us to “just relax” is not only incredibly invalidating; it is also inaccurate. Stress alone doesn’t cause infertility, and relaxation doesn’t fix it. Perhaps, instead, we just need someone to acknowledge our pain without offering empty hope, misguided advice or simplistic solutions.

So, I am not here to tell you to “just relax”, that “it will happen when the time is right”, or that “the good news is you can keep trying”.

I’m here to say that this season sucks, and I wish it was different for you.

You are not to blame, no matter how stressed you feel.

Your grief is real.

And you are not alone.

Tommy's Mum x